Thursday, September 30, 2010

Updates and random thoughts on my life

I haven't done an update on my blog about me in a while. When I first started the blog, I just wanted to jot down some thoughts I had. Then it became a rant blog. So I just didn't want to sound like an angry Asian bitch on here.

Since then, I haven't blogged much.

Just recently, I have been posting photos of food. I cook almost everyday. I don't cook everyday because sometimes my family and I eat the leftovers from the previous day or I'm really busy and am unable to cook. I hardly go out and eat. And if I do, it will be quick stops to get food.

I'm not a high maintenance girl and don't splurge on myself. The most I've done for myself is spend money on my hair cuts but I have to be frugal because prices on utilities and cost of living are going up but my paycheck isn't.

It's great that I still have a job. I'm thankful for that. Sometimes, I wonder why I don't advance and better myself. It's the comfort zone. Plus, I am afraid of failure...even more so than death lately.

Every time I take one step forward, seems like when I'm down, I tumble down three steps back. I've been really depress and sad in the past few months, hiding it well from a lot of my friends. Only a few close friends know what's going on.

One of my close friends, J, has been there from me from beginning to end of this depression of mine. I have made a decision that will probably hurt me for a few months but I chose that path to do it because it's what's right at this moment. It may seem like a burden but it's only temporary. 2010 started off okay then dipped, and now, I don't want it to end bad.

It's a bit of a stress relief with me even writing this post. I hide behind my entertainment life and laughter but inside, it's rough and hurting.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. We all choose the path we take and make the best of it.


Maya Magdalena said...

Lots of warm, tight hugs for strength and courage! And don't worry, it won't end bad. It will sort itself out, sooner or later :) You're already doing your very best, so let yourself relax as much as possible and try not to feel that you should be doing more or doing differently. You're already plenty good and things around you will change for sure. They always do.

I would say that allowing oneself to be weak is also a strength... "Feeling sorry" comes in many different shapes and forms, and sometimes it's easy to mistake other people's compassion for pity. Remember it's just an (sometimes clumsy) expression for them/us wishing for you to be truly happy :) We are all in this together, you're not alone.

I used to believe in failure, but I don't anymore. It's just a concept used to label things that didn't happen the way we wanted or expected them to. That's it, nothing more. It doesn't say anything at all about us or who we are. Bad stuff happen, but it doesn't necessarily mean that we did something wrong or weren't enough. It isn't possible to control all aspects of life, it simply isn't. Doing everything "right" doesn't guarantee a "good" result, it's as simple as that. I know you have a very big heart; let your heart lead, it will always take you where you're going. You're not in the wrong place, because if it was the wrong place you wouldn't be here. It's all good and there's nothing to be afraid of. It will be all right!


Kaolee said...

I'm sorry to hear this Nicki :( I hope you feel better. I know I've been wrapped up with my own life & the CPA Exam. Please let me know if you ever need to talk or go walk etc.